Being an ONLY'S Not Lonely

~~The Gayla Pink Apple~~

 

I have two reasons for writing this post about only children and/or being an only child.

 

First, to share an article entitled "Being an Only's Not Lonely" and the other is to voice my personal opinion when an only child is stereotyped as being spoiled and ill behaved. 

 

I have an only child.  I can get on my soap, in a big way, when I hear people make reference to the ill behaved, spoiled, rotten child because the child is an only child. 

 

Shame on you, if indeed, you've said it or thought it.  You're wrong!

 

A child is spoiled, not by being an only child, but by parents who say NO then change their answer to YES.  --- A parent says NO but their actions say YES.   In a nut shell, this is how a child becomes a spoiled rotten, ill behaved child.  It has nothing to do with whether or not that child has siblings - it has nothing to do with whether the parent is raising one child or a house full of children.  Parents create spoiled rotten, ill behaved children - the child doesn't do it.

 

So, next time you start to let the words "she/he is an only child" roll off your tongue, insinuating that person being an only child explains their behavior -- STOP! 

 

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The article...

I have carried this written article in my calendar for twenty plus years.  It's entitled Being an ONLY'S Not Lonely written by Judith Newman.  The author is an only child herself.  She shares how relieved she was when her mother told that she would not have siblings.  Judith, who is called Joanie, further writes that ask any only child what they're supposed to be like, and they'll rattle off myths: "Oh, I'm self-centered and demanding."  "I've never learned to share, and if I don't get my way, I pout." 

 

The truth about most only children is astonishingly different, she writes.  According to many children psychologists and educators, onlies are disproportionately represented among high achievers. 

 

Parents of an only child can really concentrate time, energy, and money that parents of larger families have to spread around.   All that attention leaves many only children feeling that, indeed, they can do anything.  That is why so many onlies stand in the ranks of high achievers, but also why they crowd the rolls of perfectionists and workaholics as well. 

 

Some parents convey the message that their only children are so talented and capable that they are expected to hit it big ... Obviously, the effect of those expectations depends on the child's basic personality.  If expectations are appropriately and lovingly expressed - the only child can flourish.

 

Lonesome?

Many parents' biggest concern is that their only child will be more lonely and less sociable than kids with siblings.  Not so - spending time by yourself forces you to be independent and to figure things out on your own.

 

Many only children are more "adultified" at an early age.  They may seem to be more sophicated than their peers, and because they often like to play by themselves, they may have to work a little harder at being sociable.  But, this is also why so many only children are on the fast track - they learn the value of thinking on their own at an early age and aren't easily swayed by peer pressure.  The enjoy flying solo. 

 

Grabbing It All

Sometimes only children do have problems sharing life's toys.  Other onlies vehemently refute their greedy reputation claiming because they've grown up with a sense that there's always enough - they're willing to share.   Both sides heard, the best way to keep a child from being too selfish is to create sharing experiences. 

 

The Only Drawbacks

If parents don't watch themselves, they can go overboard in safe guarding their child's welfare.  Even only children themselves complain that overprotectiveness can be suffocating. 

 

Onlies tend to carry grudges - fighting with your parents is just not the same as fighting with your peers.  If you're in a big family, you may be throwing things and screaming at your siblings in the morning, but you've forgotten what all the fuss was about by that night.  Only children do not have that experience and have to learn it through trial and error.

 

The issue that is the more frightening and unavoidable for onlies is the burden of caring for aging parents. 

 

The major hurdle for only children is that at some point they must learn a hard lesson - the world, unlike their parents, may not give them the whole pie - but at least they knew what the whole pie tastes like.

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To conclude my post, I think I've shared a little of both the positive and negative from the article.  I'd like to finish by saying that I truly do not feel one is better than the other.  I do not believe there are more benefits being an only child versus having siblings - and vice versa! 

I don't believe you will hear or have ever heard me say that one is better than the other.  Yet, I've heard many many of you - my friends too - say, "oh well, she / he is an only child so she/he is used to getting their way, or never been told no, or is spoiled rotten, etc."  It just isn't correct.

I do not criticize an only child or those who have siblings.  I do, indeed, take offense when you stereotype an only child with your words - you are passing judgment for which you have no justification.

A child is spoiled by parents who say NO and their actions say YES.

Gayla